SERVICE with a Slap! - ...the award goes to...!

I reckon we are all familiar with this scenario (or at least some variation of it):


Someone is standing on stage behind a microphone with an envelope in his/her hand. He or she states, "...the award goes to..." tears the envelope open, allows space for a pregnant pause to create suspense (this is after all supposed to be a surprise), then continues... 


*POW! Surprise! 


The name that he or she just mentioned really is a surprise to you. You feel like someone crept up stealthily behind you and flicked the back of your ear with a finger. Not particularly painful, but extremely annoying and you were absolutely not prepared for that. Then you wonder, "why was I surprised anyway?" 


Well, you were probably surprised because you probably thought they will actually give the award to someone who actually deserves it. Then you probably feel rather silly because you are probably thinking someone can see the surprise all over your face and that person is probably laughing. Hehehehe, all these probabilities. 


In truth, our concern really is the probability. We are aware of facts, and we know that when we line up all these facts (which is essentially what a survey or a vote is supposed to do - record facts), the likelihood that one of the nominees will stand out is higher than others. In some cases, it might not always be that obvious, but when we hear the winner, we know that the facts could never possibly have pointed us in that direction. At least it should be someone else, right? RIGHT? How should I know?


It doesn't often happen in developed countries, because they know the backlash from the discerning people (or at least the media) will cost them dearly - particularly in the future. And even when it does, you can expect some drama a la Kanye West (...ï'mma let you finish, but...). But not everyone is brazen (or possibly off it) like Mr. West. We can't all (or always) storm the stage and register our protests. So what's left for us to do in developing countries? When the announcement is passed, I feel as though it should sound like this:


...the award goes to...

• The Organisers' close friend, who really could do with a favour
• The highest bidder - after all, they paid us to make sure they'll win
• One of the few who was dumb enough to send in a nomination for this category

It's not fair. Or is it? The organiser's come out and mumble their criteria for selecting the winners. A percentage of the votes are from the general public, a few from industry professionals and the rest from a select panel (whose identities are protected because we don't want them to be influenced, although we know their identities are protected because they do not exist). Or, people send in their applications for whatever category, and it is evaluated by a select panel (whose identities are protected because we don't want them to be influenced, although we know their identities are protected because they do not exist). What the heck???? 

Then someone who represents some sort of auditors comes to announce and confirm that the votes have been correctly counted and there was no room for any tricks. That, at least, we can believe. After all, the auditing firm has no involvement with the "select panel" right? 


I remember a few years ago. I complained about the banking awards and how I didn't believe a certain bank should hold a certain award. My colleague explained the selection criteria, which interestingly did not involve a "select panel" but rather customers of the banking industry. I wondered why they had never selected an eminent person such as myself to respond, as it will give me a chance to vent my frustrations about the banks in the country. Yes, he also laughed like you are probably doing now, but it wasn't that funny for me because I was analysing the statistics behind it. How could they sample the banking population of Ghana (supposedly under 2 million persons nationwide), such that I had:

• never been selected to fill a questionnaire
• never even SEEN a questionnaire 
• not met a single person (or company) who had seen a questionnaire before - for the avoidance of doubt, this includes people who actually WORK in banks!

Ok, so you are probably thinking I am overstating how important I am and how many people I know. But these are questions for you to ask yourself also, and I will be glad for your feedback in the comments below. 

But lets move from the banking awards, because it is just one example of the numerous "Award" events that take place around the world almost every single week. Let's move to where you are likely thinking about, "what prompted this posting?" 

I know it is belated, but this posting was prompted by the current winner of the "Marketing  Woman of the Year" award and of course, many other winners of the Chartered Institute of Marketing Awards. Kudos to all the winners, and of course to the esteemed "select panel." How is it that the Managing Director of the GHANA AIRPORTS COMPANY Ltd wins MARKETING woman of the year??????? What has she been marketing? I ask this question in all seriousness, because it baffles me. I write with no malice or offense intended to the lady. 


Surely it cannot be our one and only international airport that she has been marketing? The very same facility, which, during the period under review, has suffered from a leaking roof, collapsed ceiling, regular power outages, failing baggage belts and general incompetency on the part of its staff? Or has it been due to the "gateway to Africa" concept? She is not the originator of that idea, and she hasn't put in place any real measures to ensure that Accra is a gateway. There are new international airlines operating to and from Ghana, but very little in terms of increased domestic (both in the country and on the continent) activity. I just don't get it. Its like going to eat at some restaurant - you already know there's not enough salt or pepper in the soup, but you eat it anyway; then one day you find the meat you're eating is actually roadkill, and yet the manager looks you in the face and says "I don't know what you're talking about, but we are the best around, and we want you to be happy. Please come again" 


I also don't get how Toyota gets into the "Hall of fame" although they couldn't win Motor Firm of the year (which they always win). Was that a way of taking them out of the running so that the second best could scoop it? Will this happen next year? It will be useful to understand the criteria and selection process. But will that really help or will it just give us reasons to poke more holes into the story?


And then there's those who flaunt their awards - shamelessly lobbying their friends, clients and suppliers to design and pay for an advert to congratulate them. It's one thing showing off your dubious award, but seriously, having to prompt someone to congratulate you? Whats the matter with you? Don't you have real friends? 


So on and on it goes. Less and less we believe in the awards, but we still look on curiously every year; hoping that we just may find something that we are impressed with. Its like looking with fascination at a dead body and wondering if the person will suddenly rise up; knowing that you will run away if he/she does get up, but still standing there anyway. 


So, until I get to sit on some "select panel" or I am selected to receive some sort of monetary award, I won't believe the hype. 


Until next post...

Vocabulising? - Sorry, I don't speak gibberish!

Once upon a time Ghanaians loved to read. There were actual bookshops that sold books - brand new and "used," instead of chairs and office stationery. There were libraries in schools, and also a large public library that people braved the traffic and noise of Accra Central to get to, just to borrow (or steal) books. There were all sorts of newspapers too, even lotto papers which had very few words; even these we hardly see.


Somewhere along the way, people discovered computers. That in itself wasn't a bad thing. Computers are, after all, a tool...albeit not a largely used one in those days when books were popular. The work was being done by  architects, sound engineers, graphic artists, secretaries, computer programmers (sic) etc  - the play was being done by pretty much everyone else. Then someone decided to include the commercial internet for easier, faster communication (fax/email) and research. It wasn't long before using computers for work became less popular than using them to "browse." 


Browsing. A tricky word. Even in its original application, it connotes nibbling at small leaves and foliage. Somehow this made it most popular to "nibble" at a few pages of nude women/men engaged in various sexual activities. But porn had a strong competitor; Social networking. This term wasn't too popular until relatively recently, but the basic idea - interacting with friends, family and strangers in a virtual environment has been around for several years. The ever-popular "instant messengers" (AIM, Skype, Googletalk, Yahoo/MSN Messenger) etc etc evolved from the "chat room" or "bulletin board" services, which pretty much evolved from your average office or school common room - a loud place where everyone can somehow contribute to a conversation at the same time, and yet (if they prefer) engage each other in private one-on-ones also. Smart idea. An message that another person can see immediately and respond to within seconds. Almost like having a  voice (telephone) conversation and not having to pay for an actual phonecall. 


There was a bit of a problem though. As convenient as it was to chat (even with a stranger), there were constraints with the amount of detail, typing speed, even the connection. It's not very easy to hold a natural flowing conversation when you can't even see or hear the other person. Imagine "walking" into the crowded common room. "Sighting"  some hot babe (the person's username or "handle" often gave an idea of who they might be - something such as hotafricanbabe1984) and trying to "pick her up" (of course the most one could do was arrange for a personal meeting or exchange phone numbers). The conversation could go thus:


*message window suddenly pops up on hotafricanbabe's screen
Hornyguy: Hello there. 
Hotafricanbabe1984: Hello
Hornyguy: What is your name? How old are you? Where do you live? 
*This is important to establish some personal relationship as well as find out if she's too old/young for him and if he has any hope of ever meeting her.
Hotafricanbabe1984: My name is Nana. I am 27 years old. I live in Ghana. How about you? Can I have these same details about yourself?
Hornyguy: Oh that is interesting. I will be travelling to Ghana in two months. My first visit to Africa.
Hornyguy: I am John. I am 29 and I live in Liverpool, England. 
Hornyguy: What is Ghana like?
Hornyguy: Hello? Are you there? 
*He is thinking to himself, "She hasn't replied in almost three minutes! Is she just slow at typing or my details have scared her off?"
Hotafricanbabe: I see. Nice to meet you John  
Hotafricanbabe: Ghana is a very lovely place. You will enjoy it very much.
Hornyguy: Nice to meet you too. 
Hornyguy: Tell me more about yourself. What is your occupation?
*She loses her connection and is signed out of chat. She tries to reconnect
Hornyguy: Hello. Are you there? *He is wondering if he has been too forward and scared her off. Fortunately, he has another window open and is chatting with some other girl who happens to be in England. Of course his African girl doesn't know this.
Hotafricanbabe1984: Hello. Are you still on? My connection is not very good. I got signed out.
Hornyguy: That is alright. I was waiting patiently for you. They say good things come to those who wait. *He wonders how to wink at her, hoping that his lines have somehow made an impact
Hotafricanbabe1984: *giggling like a little girl. Hahaha. What kind of good things are you waiting for?
Hornyguy: All the good things men are looking for. Especially a good woman. *He thinks. Damn. Looks like the other one is also pulling. Maybe I should focus on her instead.
Hornyguy: I am sorry. I will be back shortly.
Hotafricanbabe1984: Ok. I will be waiting too...


Once again, I digress. Let's not get caught too long in that conversation. It may be familiar to some of you. But as you can see, along the way, the fellow was having a bit of a problem with the speed of her responses. The connection itself was unreliable, and it could easily take as many as 45 minutes from the first instant message until "I will be waiting too..."


So some smart people came up with things like internet etiquette (stuff like not typing in capital letters because it means you are SHOUTING!!!!), emoticons (emotion icons - combinations of letters and symbols which, when viewed specially, look like facial expressions. These were also known as "smileys" because the most commonly used ones were these :)/;) - smiling/winking faces) and all sorts of abbreviations and slang terms which made it easier to have a "conversation" because one has to type less. There were no real rules - most of the things are picked up as one goes along. Your virtual colleagues will correct, criticise and even learn from you as you go along. Very soon, you will be flinging lexicon from this Virtual English language like a pro, laughing at those who are now learning the terms and abbreviations. The above conversation could take all of 7 minutes, even with the bad connection, and read a lil' some'n like this:



*message window suddenly pops up on hotafricanbabe's screen
Hornyguy: Hello there. 
Hotafricanbabe1984: Hi
Hornyguy: a/s/l? 
Hotafricanbabe1984: Nana. 27. Ghana. U?
Hornyguy: Oh interesting. I'll b in Ghana in 2 months. 1st visit 2 Africa.
Hornyguy: john. 29. Liverpool, England. 
Hornyguy: Wot's Ghana like?
Hornyguy: Hello? u there? 
*He is thinking to himself, "hasn't replied in almost 1min! She just slow or details scared her off?" Yep! He even thinks in VE {Virtual English}
Hotafricanbabe: I c. Nice 2 meet u John  
Hotafricanbabe: Ghana is lovely. u'll enjoy it very much.
Hornyguy: Nice 2 meet u 2. 
Hornyguy: Tell me more abt urself. What do u do?
*She loses her connection and is signed out of chat. She tries to reconnect
Hornyguy: Hello. u there? *He is wondering if he has been too forward and scared her off. Fortunately, he has another window open and is chatting with some other girl who happens to be in England. Of course his African girl doesn't know this.
Hotafricanbabe1984: Hello. u still on? connection is bad. got signed out.
Hornyguy: That's cool. was waiting patiently for u. They say gd things come 2 those who wait ;)
Hotafricanbabe1984: lol. Wot kinda gd things u waiting 4?
Hornyguy: All the good things men r looking 4. Especially a good woman. ;)
Hornyguy: sorry. brb.
*The other girl is giving him her phone number which he is copying and pasting in his "address book" 
Hotafricanbabe1984: Ok. will b waiting 2...


Half of this conversation is unreadable, and some of it doesn't even follow proper rules of English grammar. The text editor I am using has underlined nearly every single line (not counting the ones with the asterisks that I have used to describe what is going on). Yet, many of you can understand it, even without reading the original one. This is not a bad thing. VE is very helpful when it comes to social written communication in the 21st century. In fact, it has been so helpful that when the GSM mobile operators discovered short messaging services (SMS or Text messaging to us laypersons), people were still able to exchange information despite the limitation of 160 characters (INCLUDING spaces). 


Where I have a problem is the fact that people cannot seem to switch off VE even in verbal communication. Back when I was in secondary school, our teachers complained about our (students as a collective) abominable vocabulary and the eyesore that was our written essays. The problem was big enough to attract attention on national radio; Corporate Ghana was offended at reports and application letters from graduate students; the universities were amazed at undergraduate essays and the secondary schools were ready to ban us from speaking Pidgin English because it was believed that this was the source of the problem. It probably was. In fact, when I recall the self-imposed bans of some of my mates, and the extent to which they struggled to communicate in proper English, I would probably have agreed to the ban had I not been young and full of "portu."


Initially, I found the very thought unlikely and actually amusing: that people would apply the lexical rules of Pidgen (a spoken language) to the written word, especially when the rules are so vague! Pidgin (in Ghanaian secondary schools at least) appears to have a minimum set of rules, although one is allowed to flexibly apply these, and then throw in literal translations of vernacular idioms, like "your eye die" or "how much you chop?" Contrary to what people thought, you could actually make mistakes speaking Pidgin, and your peers will laugh harder than if you made a mistake speaking proper English. But, it is also true that one is allowed to make it up as he (yes, educated women seldom spoke or could even understand Pidgen) goes along. Bottom line, the flexibility of the language meant that even people with a basic vocabulary (lower primary), could still communicate. Unfortunately, this also meant that people with basic vocabulary have no opportunity to improve it, and even worse, do not show their deficiency until it is too late - like having to write an exam or an important letter! 
It was obvious that constantly speaking Pidgen did not in any way help people to write (or for that matter, read) English better. Most of those who were not very good actually got worse.  


Pidgin and VE are both based loosely on the English language, although they are both completely incomprehensible to the uninitiated. Juxtaposed, it is difficult to tell which language is worse. It will be considered as criminal to attempt a corporate presentation speaking Pidgen, just as it is unimaginable to send a memo to the Board of Directors in VE. 
VE is obviously closer to regular English, just that it has even fewer rules than Pidgen. In fact, so few rules that people have resorted to writing words however they feel. Rather than find easier or shorter ways to write, people have decided to look for their own ways to spell words in VE. Perhaps this makes one look cool? I think it makes you look like an illiterate person when you type a sentence such as "2dae was a gud dae bcos jux as I was wondring wot i cn get out of my last 2ghc, i heard sum1 had cm to visit me n brought fud" - if you can't figure out what this means, try and pronounce the words out loud. 

My beef is that VE is a written language. Rules or not, it should be difficult for one to make the sort of mistakes we tend to make in oral English. However, if it is acceptable to spell words however we feel, or even worse, the way we think they sound, do we not risk having a similar problem as we did with Pidgen some years ago? Even worse is the fact that we no longer like to read and people are being exposed to the virtual society (mobile phones and social networks) much earlier. As for the educational standards - let's save that mess for another post. So riddle me this: How likely is it that the people with rudimentary vocabulary will ever improve? 


I will end this with a quote from one of my favourite authors:


IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE TIME TO READ, YOU DON'T HAVE THE TIME OR THE TOOLS TO WRITE...


Find something interesting in English to read anytime you can help it. Even if it is my blog with these long posts :D 


Bless...